Never trust men in tight jeans
by ValHund
Summary: Andrew, helped by Spike, fulfills his mission to meet the members of a punk band that have suspiciously pointy teeth.


"But I need to meet them!"

Andrew clutched at Spikes duster with one hand, trying desperately not to lose the blond vampire in the crowd leaving the little nightclub. Also, he liked holding onto Spike.

"I told you already. No bloody way!" Spike insisted, removing Andrews clutching hand from his precious coat.

"Ow! No need to be so rough, I have a sprained ankle," whined Andrew, rubbing his wrist and looking as pitiful as it was possible to look.

"What the hell has that got to do with… never mind," Spike said, giving up on the pathetic little man and continuing along the street in silence.

"I'm gonna tell Buffy you are still treating my like a super villain," said Andrew, pouting slightly.

"Be my guest! Tell her I'm feedin' you on half rations and that I rough you up every night! Just stop gettin' in my way. I should never have agreed to you coming. Should've listened to Buffy. Punk and nerds should never be mixed. Should 'ave known."

Andrew sighed and fell into pace behind Spike, carefully trying to imitate his way of walking, putting his hands deep into his pockets and scowling at all the passers by.

"Well I'm going to go and meet them."

Andrew turned around impressively, but spoiled his grand statement of independence by banging into the very people he was so anxious to meet.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," said Andrew, trying to pull himself up but failing miserably. Spike helped him, sort of. Andrew was hoisted up by his collar, and once he got his bearings back, realised that he was standing right in front of The Spider Lovers. All five of them..

Andrew was overcome with emotion. He felt tears welling in the corner of his eyes, and felt a lump rising in his throat. He had spent so long preparing for this moment. Well, the whole two weeks since he'd discovered who The Spider Lovers were, anyway.

"Hey, aren't you going to say something to your 'heroes'?" asked Spike sarcastically.

"I, I," Andrew couldn't really think of what to say "I know all your names. Your real names, not just your stage names. And I, um, have my very own chart set up in my room listing my top 20 songs. I know all the lyrics to all of the songs, and, and, and, I know all of the subtle references to the X-Files and Babylon 5 that you put in your songs. Spike says that you don't watch stuff like that, but I _"

"Hi, it's always nice to know that someone's listening to our music," said Nightshade, smiling at Andrew the way you smile at someone who's a little bit slow.

"The names Spike. And this is Andrew. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"Don't worry about that, I know how to treat simpletons. I've put up with Darkly all these years," grinned Nightshade.

Darkly pushed Nightshade onto the road, laughing.

"Look, as much as would love to stay and chat, we have to go see our manager," Vlad said, sticking his head up from his notebook briefly.

"For some reason the club had a problem with Vlad ripping off all the light fittings and climbing on the ceiling," explained Darkly.

"Well if they give you any lip just do what I used to do. Rip their throats out," said Spike absently, forgetting that that wasn't the feasible option for mortals.

All of The Spider Lovers looked at him with a mixture of shock and horror.

Andrew laughed nervously, and tried to change the subject.

"You know, I'm English," he said proudly in his best accent.

"Right…" said Vlad, raising one elegant eyebrow.

"What part of England are you from?" asked Nightshade, nudging Darkly slightly.

"Well… I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. And the first two seasons of Red Dwarf, now that it's out on DVD."

Nightshade and Darkly were unable to speak they were laughing so hard, and Raven giggled, revealing his slightly pointed teeth.

Slightly pointed teeth…

Spike came to a sudden realisation. And he didn't like it.

"Andrew, get behind me!" he exclaimed, shifting smoothly into Game face.

"Wh…" Andrew saw the look on Spike's face, and got behind him. Very, very quickly.

"I knew it!" laughed Spike, sheltering Andrew behind his arm, "I knew that no poncy human voice could do what you're doing."

The Spider Lovers all shifted into their game faces, smiling at Spike.

"Raven!" said Darkly, obviously annoyed, "Why do you need to sharpen your teeth like that? It was bound to give us away some time."

"OK fellers," said Spike, relishing the thought of a good brawl, "I'm gonna give you a question. Answer it right, and you won't all be returning back to Old Blighty in an envelope. Who are the Ramones?"

Darkly answered before he could help himself.

"The scourge of British punk?"

"Wrong," said Spike gleefully.

He lunged forward, but found his pathway blocked by Andrew.

"I can't let you do this!" cried Andrew melodramatically.

"Get you sodding little self away from the vampires!" yelled Spike, "Do you want to end up like all their other fans?"

"You can't do this to the new generation of punk fans! It would ruin me, er, them."

"They've been feeding on their sodding fans! They figured me and you as their next meal!" said Spike, obviously frustrated.

"You changed! They can to. Maybe they're already trying to, spreading the message of love and compassion through art. They are good vampyrs. I am personal proof that super villains can be redeemed. Just imagine it, them singing to each other with melodious voices, keeping each other strong. It's a beautiful story," said Andrew wistfully.

"I got myself a little governmental chip shoved into my brain. And I don't see any men dressed in khaki round here, so I don't see that as being an option. And their best song is about a man who kills himself, hardly melodious."

"That song is obviously a reference to season 3 episode 27 of the X-Files, when Scully convinces Mulder not to jump," explained Andrew, his little arms crossed.

"Have you actually heard any of our songs?" asked Darkly, raising a (slightly less elegant) eyebrow slightly.

Vlad suddenly looked at them all.

"There wasn't an episode 27 of the X-Files," he muttered, looking annoyed.

"It's an extra on the special edition of the DVD," said Andrew, happy to be talking about something safer than being sucked dry by five hungry vampires.

"The little man is funny," laughed Raven, "Can I have him?"

"We know he's funny," said Darkly, shaking his head at Raven's slowness.

"But we aren't eating him," said Nightshade, sounding disappointed at his own words.

"See?" said Andrew gloatingly to Spike.

"We never planned on eating anyone," explained Heartless , who until this moment had been completely silent, "We were planning on asking_"

"Spike to join us," said Nightshade quickly, cutting off the end of Heartless 's sentence.

"What?" asked Spike, looking extremely confused.

"What?" asked Andrew, looking devastated as his dreams of being in a band were slowly snatched away from him.

"We've actually been looking for a co-vocalist for quite some time," explained Nightshade.

"We really want someone who actually lived through the creation of punk," said Darkly, "We were only sired around a year ago, so we've got nothing."

"You want me to become your front man?" asked Spike, perplexed.

"Yes. We want you to join The Spider Lovers," said Raven, smiling widely and fiddling with his hair in the way that made Andrew want to drop everything and take up stalking him full time.

"Sorry, Spike's already in band," said a familiar voice from behind Vlad, "I play the drums. But it wouldn't work out between us all, we're heading more in the way of bubblegum, less in the way of literal Zombie Punk."

"Buffy?" asked Spike, sounding almost disappointed to see his beloved.

"Slayer of the Vampyrs?" asked Andrew, thinking about what a brilliant story he would have to tell the potentials when they all got home.

"The boy wouldn't let me kill the buggers," explained Spike sheepishly.

"Did ya try hitting him a couple of times? Cause that usually makes him agree to anything," smiled Buffy.

Andrew laughed nervously.

The Spider Lovers took advantage of her distractedness and made a break for it down the street.

Spike started off after them, but Buffy caught his arm.

"Let them run. We have bigger things to worry about. Or did you forget that there's a war on?"

Spike sighed. How could he forget that?

Maybe he should have taken The Spider Lovers up on their offer.


End file.
